I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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