Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
