got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
