How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He passed out mid-signature
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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