Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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