my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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