The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
