Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
