your room smells of hookers.
And success
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
