if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
