i was born a porn star she said
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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