gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Less talking, more tequila
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
