I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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