She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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