You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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