Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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