coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
