I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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