Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
