Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
