home. puking in laundry basket.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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