I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
