My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
