dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
