We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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