she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
