FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
