You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
