How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
