I haven't been this sober since birth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
