I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
