I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
