They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
