just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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