Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think your dad took our porno
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
