I can tuck mytits in my pants
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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