My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
