3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
