I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
