I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
