you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
