NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
