he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
