Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
