respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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