If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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