Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
