I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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