do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
