dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
