I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
