just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
